‘He Won’t Get Far Without This,’ Oregon Project Lab Tech Says After Subject Escapes



An unidentified athlete cut through a chain-link enclosure and ducked security cameras to escape the Nike Oregon Project’s super-secret lab, Dumb Runner has learned—but he “won’t get far,” the lab’s chief scientist said, without his testosterone cream.

The test subject broke out of the lab, several floors under Nike’s Beaverton, Oregon headquarters, sometime between midnight and 6 a.m. today. A lab assistant discovered him missing when she arrived shortly after 6:00, noticing a hole in the subject’s enclosure and a pair of wire cutters on the floor. She gasped, dropping a tray of test tubes in shock, before pulling out her phone and calling her boss.

“We have a problem,” she said.

The chief researcher—a man known only as “Doc”—arrived with security staff within minutes. In contrast to his assistant’s frantic demeanor, sources told Dumb Runner, he remained cool.

“Let’s stay calm, everyone,” Doc said, smiling. “Our friend won’t get far without this.”

As he spoke, Doc produced a box from his lab coat and held it aloft. The box contained AndroGel, a prescription testosterone cream.

“I figure (the test subject) has made it a mile, maybe less,” Doc continued. “He’s on foot, hungry, disoriented, and outnumbered. Also, he should be feeling a steep drop in testosterone levels, right about…”

He paused, checking his watch.


As a half-dozen security staff checked their tranquilizer guns, Tasers, and nets, Doc concluded his speech.

“Let’s bring our boy home,” he said, “so we can continue our completely innocent, benign testing.”

“I want him alive. Now go!”