Cocaine is a hell of a drug, as Rick James once said. And 2017 was a hell of a year. That's reflected here, in this list of the year's most popular posts. Four of the 10 are inspired by real-life news—yes, including "political" stuff—and two of those four apparently fooled a lot of people, who didn't realize they were tongue in cheek. It's hard to satirize stuff that's surreal to begin with.
As always, thank you for reading. And to those of you who support our work with pledges and donations, well...thank you, especially. You make this nonsense possible.
10. Rejected Marriage Proposal at Mile 13 Makes Second Half of Marathon Awkward
An antidote to the schmaltzy "marathon marriage proposal" story you've seen a hundred times. It took me some time to find just the right stock photo, but it was worth it. READ MORE
9. Five Moments When Eliud Kipchoge Blew His Chances for a Sub-2:00 Finish
Nike's Breaking2 effort back in May got a ton of earnest coverage—hey, did you know it was sponsored by Nike?—and whenever something gets a ton of earnest coverage, my first instinct is to poke some fun. By the way, some folks did indeed take this story at face value, believing that Kipchoge really did stop to sign autographs shortly after the race began, costing him precious time. READ MORE
8. My Large Penis Makes Running a Real Challenge
This was one of the first things we published on Dumb Runner—way back in November 2015. Why was it the eighth most popular thing on the site in 2017? I can only speculate that my penis is so large, it has its own gravitational pull, attracting readers across space and time. READ MORE
7. Marlboro Announces Half-Marathon Race Series
"Photoshopped," some eagle-eyed readers noted when they saw this story on Facebook. Busted! READ MORE
6. 5 Simple Running Tips That Don't Matter Anymore Because We're All Going to Die in a Nuclear War Maybe as Soon as This Week
Reader reaction to this one was mixed. Most comments were positive, in a "thanks for the laugh, I needed one right now" sort of way. Others amounted to, "This isn't funny." Which prompted me to write this response. (Spoiler: I push back.) READ MORE
5. 'Marathon' Image Laughable, Even by Stock Photo Standards
These humans run. They run Marathon. You can tell, because bibs tell you Marathon. These humans enjoy running, pleased to finish Marathon. READ MORE
4. Pence Warns Boston Marathon Runners of 'Wicked' Wellesley
"Is this real or fake?" wrote one commenter under this "article." Can't it be both? I wrote a bunch of Boston Marathon-related posts this year, and frankly I was surprised that this is the one that got the most traction. Others were funnier, IMHO. READ MORE
3. Woman Immediately Regrets Asking Date if He's Ever Run a Marathon
Once again, I nailed it with the photo, if I do say so myself. (You have no idea how much time I spend scrolling through stock photos. Really.) Even with a lesser photo, I think, this piece would have been pretty popular. The sentiment in the headline just resonates. READ MORE
2. Man Dies of Thirst in Local 5K
Again, many readers took this bit of "news" at face value. For that to happen, they had to accept the implicit premise—i.e., that you must "hydrate" even when you're running just 3 miles, and that if you don't, you could die. Which is absurd. Which is what this post was trying to say in the first place. READ MORE
1. With Executive Order, Trump Bans Metric Race Distances
“With this executive order," President Trump said in this totally made-up article, our most popular of the year, "we are making American races American again.” READ MORE
Hey, Did You Enjoy This Dumb List?
If so, you'll love The Dumb Runner Reader, a "greatest hits" collection of my favorite posts from Dumb Runner's first two years.
Signed and personalized copies will be available in January, but you can pick it up right now at Amazon.