My Large Penis Makes Running a Real Challenge

iStockphoto.com

iStockphoto.com

You may have missed it, with all this talk of Starbucks cups and whatnot, but last week The New York Times published a Q&A on its Well blog titled "Ask Well: Does Foot Size Affect Running?"

The short answer is: No, not really. That's the longer answer, too, except that the longer answer goes on for 338 words.

As usual, though, the "lamestream media" misses the real story. The question isn't whether foot size affects running but whether penis size does.

Readers, I am here today to tell you that yes, it does.

And not for the better, either. You might think that that a large penis could confer some advantages on a runner—say, at the finish line of a close race, when the difference between first and second place may be a matter of inches. Or on a trail run, where a lower center of gravity may help during tricky, technical descents. 

Well, it might, in rare cases. More often than not, however, a large penis acts more like an anchor, holding you back from running greatness. It is an albatross around your neck. Except without feathers and stuff and except that it's not around your neck, exactly.

Here are just a few of the many ways that owners of large penises suffer when it comes to running:

  • Finding shorts that fit is exceedingly difficult.
  • Wearing tights is out of the question.
  • Compared with runners who have average-sized penises, they must work harder to maintain the same pace, due to the extra weight they're carrying.
  • They endure taunts and jokes from running buddies who can't resist using the phrase "schlong run" around them at every opportunity.
  • When they run fast, the mass of their large penis creates such inertia that it is harder to stop quickly if they need to.
  • When going through security, e.g., at a large race or at the airport en route to an event, they are more likely to be pulled aside for humiliating searches and pat-downs in the "swimsuit area." 
  • Navigating the interior of a cramped porta-potty can be challenging.
  • People stare.

How do I know so much about the downside of running with a large penis? Because I have one, that's why. And I am tired of living "in the shadows." Today that changes. Today I say to all of my fellow large-penis-having runners: Stop feeling ashamed and embarrassed. Stop worrying so much about your large penis and what others might think of it when you're out for a run. Start feeling proud.

Today I say to my fellow male runners: Embrace your large penis!

Also, if you've found some running shorts that work well for you, please let me know. Because, damn, guys. My penis.