Awful Things That Could Bite Your Genitals in the Toilet, Ranked

Readers, we never thought it would come to this. But it appears that "Things That Could Bite Your Genitals in the Toilet" has gone from wacky, one-off story to full-blown actual trend.

The wacky, one-off story, as regular Dumb Runner readers will know, concerned a man in Australia who walked into a porta potty to relieve himself only to achieve the opposite of relief, in the form of a bite from a venomous redback spider.

On his penis.

Well, we all had a good laugh about that. All of us except the victim, we guess. And the spider, who is incapable of laughter, which is really very sad if you think about it.

No one is laughing now. Because now we have a second confirmed case of a man being bitten on his penis while sitting on a toilet. 

This time, though, the biter wasn't a spider. It was a python. 

Now, you might have seen this story yourself and misinterpreted it if you just saw the headline but didn't read further. The headline used by The Daily Mail, for instance, reads:

Python Sinks Its Fangs Into Man's Penis as He Sits on the Toilet

Which creates confusion right off the bat. Who is sitting on the toilet? The python? The man? We don't know.

 When you click to read the article, of course, you learn that it's the man who was sitting when the python bite occurred. We'll spare you the details, except to say that the victim was a 38-year-old Thai man, that the incident happened in his home, and that "after feeling a sharp bite," he reached down "to discover the serpent's jaws clamped around the tip of his penis." Also the python was 11 feet long.

Actually, that was quite a lot of details. Oh well. At least we didn't show you the photos.

The point, readers, is that this is now officially a huge threat. Not just because a second man has had his junk bitten while using the toilet in recent weeks, but because apparently we aren't safe even in our own homes.

We mean, you walk into a porta potty, you almost expect something in there to bite you in your bikini area. But in your own house?

Also, things appear to be trending in a very bad direction. First there was a spider bite. Next, a python. What's next? Could things possibly get worse?

We don't know, but we've been giving this a lot of thought and we have developed what we think is a pretty solid list of the Worst Things That Might Bite Your Genitals in the Toilet.

1. Puppy

Sure, he looks cute. But his jaws are surprisingly strong and those teeth are like tiny X-acto knives.

2. Candiru Fish

This small, parasitic fish has a "supposed habit of entering the human penis, lodging itself in place with sharp barbs, and feasting on it from the inside." Reportedly by swimming "upstream" as its victim urinates. Many question whether such an attack has ever actually happened, but man... You can imagine, right? 

3. Young Bornean Orangutan Wearing Glasses and a Bow Tie

Being bitten on the penis by a young Bornean orangutan wearing glasses and a bow tie would be painful not just physically but emotionally. He's wearing glasses and a bow tie. You thought you could trust him.

4. Llama

First of all, just look at those teeth. Second, llamas always look filthy. And finally, llamas spit. Imagine this guy biting your penis when you're at your most vulnerable—and then spitting at you. Way to add insult to injury, dirty llama.

5. Mrs. Benson, Your Old Kindergarten Teacher

Eww! What's she even doing in there, anyway? And what's with that camera?

6. Hurst S 700 CutterHSS "Jaws of Life" 10,000 PSI Cutter

According to the manufacturer, "The S 700’s extrication capabilities ... include shipboard damage control, structural collapse, aircraft egress and plenty of other tough situations." Just imagine what it could do to your genitals. Oh, you'd rather not? Yeah. That's what we thought.

7. Mosquito

OK, the bite itself might not hurt. But the itching!

How to Choose a Porta Potty That DOESN'T Have a Penis-Biting Spider