GOP presidential hopeful Donald Trump loves to talk about his brand.
After his victories on Super Tuesday earlier this month, the real estate mogul and reality television star held a press conference to do just that. As reported by NPR.org:
So there was a leading Republican presidential candidate onstage at a Trump-branded golf course promoting Trump-branded water, wine and steaks as if to reassure voters there's no problem with the size of his portfolio.
(SOUNDBITE OF ARCHIVED RECORDING)
DONALD TRUMP: So you have the water. You have the steaks. You have the airline that I sold. I mean, what's wrong with selling? Every once in a while, you can sell something. You have the wines and all of that.
That report goes on to note that Trump "rakes in millions of dollars by putting his name on a wide array of products, from neckties to cologne."
To that roster, Dumb Runner has learned, Mr. Trump is adding Trump-branded marathon training plans.
If you think that sounds odd, you aren't alone. Critics were quick to question the move, wondering how a businessman with no experience in running or exercise physiology could possibly claim to be an authority on preparing for a 26.2-mile road race.
"Nothing in his background suggests that he has the first idea of how to train for a marathon," an exasperated Marco Rubio told reporters at a campaign event Monday in Columbus, Ohio. "Nothing."
Trump fired back at Rubio on Twitter:
In a statement, Trump called his plans "world class" and promised they would "make you run so fast."
"We will be the best at marathons," boasted Trump in the rambling, three-page document, printed on Trump letterhead with gold ink. "I have people tell me constantly, they say, Mr. Trump, your understanding of endurance training is amazing. That's the word they use—amazing. Or they call it out of this world. Usually they just say amazing. It's true. And by the way? These marathon training plans you've been using? They're all terrible. Right? Jokes. They're jokes. The people putting these things together, they're clowns. Don't know what they're doing. It's pathetic. Run this way, run that way. Well, which is it? What a mess!"
He went on to mention other popular training plans and their creators by name, calling Hal Higdon "very low energy" and Jeff Galloway "a disaster," and describing the Couch to 5K training program as "Muslim."
"You follow a Donald Trump training plan," Mr. Trump said, "and you will start winning again. I promise you."
"With my plans, which by the way are made by the top people, the best in the world, you will be winning so much. It'll be phenomenal."
Dumb Runner obtained a copy of one of Trump's plans. Here is a peek at the first five weeks:
"It's going to be terrific," Trump concluded in his statement. "Trust me."
Thanks to Ryan Heal and Nathan Freeburg, two seriously funny running buddies who inspired the idea for this article. (During a run!)