Ask Dr. Dumb: Porridge!
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Readers, when was the last time you thought about porridge? Not in the context of fairy tales involving bears, I mean?
I’m guessing you pretty much never think of porridge, which is why you will never be an Olympic-caliber athlete. I say this because Olympic marathoners apparently are cuckoo for the stuff, as shown in a story I saw recently titled Scots Olympic Marathon Star Brings Own Porridge Supply to Japan.
You can read the full story at the link, but the gist is that (a.) a marathoner named Stephanie Davis brought along her own porridge from Scotland to compete in the Tokyo Games because (b.) she is a self-described “porridge fiend” and (c.) there is a shortage of porridge in Japan. (Davis would go on to finish 39th, in a time of 2:36:33.)
To learn more, we called up our go-to hot cereal expert and fairy tale enthusiast, Dr. Dumb.
Dumb Runner: Doctor, thank you for joining us.
Dr. Dumb: You’re welcome. Or, as they say in Scotland, “You’re welcome.”
That was the worst Scottish accent I’ve ever heard.
Awa' an bile yer heid!
My first question isn’t a question so much as an observation: “Shortage of porridge” rhymes.
That is correct. It’s also fun to say. Shortage of porridge! Shortage of porridge!
What is porridge, anyway?
I have researched this question extensively and have concluded that porridge is oatmeal.
Like, they’re the same thing?
Basically, yes.
Why don’t people in Scotland just call it oatmeal then?
Why don’t you just call it porridge?
Touché. Does Scotland have a rich history where hot oats are concerned?
Yes! According to a product description for Bob’s Red Mill brand Organic Scottish Oatmeal, “Oatmeal originated in Scotland centuries ago and was different from our modern rolled oats. A coarse meal was produced by slowly grinding the kernel between two large mill stones. Our Scottish Oatmeal is produced in the same old fashioned way and contains all the health giving nutrients of the best quality oats from which it was ground--the germ, the oil and the fiber. The result is a surprisingly unique and flavorful hot cereal.”
Scottish oatmeal sounds superior to other kinds.
Yes indeed. When it comes to oatmeal, if it’s not Scottish, it’s crap.
Regarding the Scottish product pictured above, I have a few questions: Who is Scott? Why is there a shot-putter on the package? And what’s with spelling it porage?
Scott is the owner of the company, and an avid shot-putter. That’s him on the package. Scott is also a jokester, hence the egregious typo.
Is Scott wearing underwear beneath that kilt?
Nope.
Well, doctor, I’m afraid we’ve run out of time, which means we won’t get around to discussing other fun international breakfast products we found, such as Ready Brek, Kölln Flocken, and Pompanoosuc Porridge. Let’s talk again soon.
Aye. Lang may yer lum reek!
