7 Alternatives to Handing Out 'Healthy Alternatives' This Halloween

 istockphoto.com

istockphoto.com

Halloween is nearly here, which means it’s time to decide what to offer trick-or-treaters. If you’re like most Americans, you’ll be handing out candy. Good for you! That’s what you’re supposed to give trick-or-treaters.

A small percentage of you, however, may be determined to hand out “healthy alternatives” to candy or other sugary treats—things like pencils or fresh fruit. This is unfortunate. It’s also misguided, because there’s nothing “healthy” about a mindset so rigid that it can’t allow, one night a year, some pure, nutrient-free joy and indulgence.

One night a year!

If you are among that small percentage, then, this list is for you: Seven truly healthy alternatives to your “healthy alternatives.” Stock up.

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1. Twix

Try these instead of: Popcorn balls

Why? Because popcorn balls suck, whereas Twix bars are delicious.

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2. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Try these instead of: Pencils

Why? Because pencils are filled with graphite and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are filled with creamy peanut butter.

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3. Rolo

Try these instead of: Stickers

Why? Because Rolo are seriously underrated, and they’re fun to eat. Also, you can use this line from a classic Simpsons episode: “Care for a Rolo, sweet Xena?” Which is funny (for you, anyway) even if the kid in question is not dressed as Xena.

4. Pixy Stix

Try these instead of: Toothbrushes

Why? Two reasons: 1. We guarantee you that any kid who rings your bell already has at least one toothbrush at home, likely more, and 2. Pixy Stix are, like, candy distilled to its essence—i.e., just sugar, man. And they don’t pretend or aspire to be anything more than that. Which you’ve gotta respect.

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5. Smarties*

Try these instead of: Apples

Why? Apples may trigger unpleasant memories of Snow White. Plus, handing out Smarties gives kids a chance to say, as they pop them in their mouth, “You are what you eat!” and that will make them laugh and laugh and laugh. Laughter is healthy.

* The real kind, which are basically Pixy Stix but in crunchy-tablet form—not the British kind, which are some weird bullshit version of M&Ms.

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6. Milky Way

Try these instead of: Tiny bottles of bubbles

Why? Because tiny bottles of bubbles never work as well as you hope. The tiny wand inside becomes detached from the lid/base, making it almost impossible to fish out, and then as you’re trying to get it out the bubbles spill, half on the sidewalk and half on your kid’s costume, and the kid loses it and you wind up resenting not just the person behind this “healthy” alternative but the very idea of trick-or-treating and everything sucks.

On the other hand, Milky Way bars have nougat and caramel. Take that, motherf***ers.

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7. Kit Kat

Try these instead of: Literally anything that’s not delicious candy.

Why? At this point, do you really need a reason? Come on. This is not rocket science.