‘Just Put Some Gel in the Heel or Some Shit,’ Harried Shoe Company Exec Barks at Design Team



An exasperated shoe company executive lost his patience during a meeting early today, Dumb Runner has learned, shouting at the company’s design department to “stop thinking so goddamn hard.”

The outburst occurred at the headquarters of Mizauconus, a running shoe and gear maker, and came around 95 minutes into a meeting that had been scheduled to last one hour.

Two senior product designers were debating the merits of an engineered knit upper that's infused with TPU fibers vs. an engineered knit upper not infused with TPU fibers when Nick Khrushchev, the company’s CEO interrupted.

“Guys, oh my God,” said Khrushchev. “Just put some gel in the heel or some shit, and move on.”

The suggestion was met with silence, sources said, as the company’s design director quietly hid a dozen mockups of sock liners.

“This isn’t rocket science,” Khrushchev continued. “Make [the shoe] look a little different from the previous thousand updates we’ve done and let’s move on.”

He paused, gripping his hair.

“Add some bumpy nodules on the soles or some pods or transparent cells filled with, I dunno, niblets of corn of something. Call it the Maize Runner. None of this shit matters!”

Khrushchev went on to ask, rhetorically, who gave a shit and declared flatly that, “Writers will review them, because they’re new, and people will buy them. See how it works?”

“Can we all get some lunch now?”

The meeting wrapped up shortly afterward.

The Mizauconus Maize Runner is expected to go on sale in fall 2020, retailing for $120.