Holy Shit, Look at These New Running Shoes!



Holy shit, guys! It's a new running shoe!

Have you SEEN this new running shoe? It's new! Also it's slightly different somehow from the previous model! And it looks sort of wild! You're practically guaranteed to do a spit take when you see it! Or a double take! Or maybe both! Like a double-spit-take! Where you're drinking a beverage when you happen to notice this new running shoe out of the corner of your eye, and you're like, "WHOA!" and you spew your beverage all over the place, then you immediately take another sip but you accidentally notice the new shoe once more and, uh oh, here we go again!

I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on a pair of these new running shoes! God, I want them so bad!

Until that can happen, though, I need to find some sort of video on the internet about this new shoe! One where I can see this new shoe being held by someone who's talking about this new shoe! Maybe he will hold the new shoe up to the camera as he talks about the new shoe and bend it to show me how flexible it is!

Man, this new shoe makes my current shoes look like garbage! What was I thinking when I bought those garbage shoes? Guess I wasn't! I will throw open my window and hurl my current shoes out at the first opportunity!

Better yet: I will hike to the top of an active volcano and throw my shoes into it! Goodbye and good riddance, stupid old shoes! That's what you get for not being a game changer!

I have so many questions about this new running shoe! Like, what kind of ride does it deliver? A smooth one? What's the drop? Like, how many millimeters? Four? Eight? HOW MANY? And what sort of foam, exactly, is that midsole made of? Does it have properties of some kind that I should know about? Are these properties new, too? 

Somebody, please, write something about this new running shoe ASAP! Better yet, a bunch of somebodies please write a bunch of somethings! Because I will read it all! When it comes to this new running shoe, my appetite cannot and will not be sated!

How much does this new running shoe cost? Who cares! Whatever it is, it's a bargain at twice the price! It's a new running shoe!

In conclusion, let me sum up:

New running shoe!

Next week: Holy Shit, Look at This New Running Watch!