UPDATED June 7, 2018
Father's Day is nearly upon us, readers, and that can mean only one thing: Father's Day gifts and adorable handmade cards.
That's two things. Sorry. You'll have to forgive us—it's hard to concentrate sometimes, because at any given moment much of our energy is dedicated to things like cleaning up our own kids' messes and packing their lunches and reminding them to please be gentle with the dog and yes, they can have pancakes, but they'll have to be patient because we can only do one thing at once and WILL YOU PLEASE GET DRESSED I'VE ASKED YOU FOUR TIMES NOW AND IF YOU'D JUST DONE IT THE FIRST TIME YOU'D BE DRESSED BY NOW.
Readers, we are tired.
But! It is a happy kind of tired, because fatherhood is a blessing and we would not trade it for the world. Really.
Chances are good that you know a father who feels the same way, and that you're wondering what you can give him for Father's Day. Well, if this father is also a runner, we have a few suggestions. In fact, we have ideas not just for dads who run but for specific kinds of dads who run.
For the Runner Dad Who Likes to Poop
"I Pooped Today!" Short Sleeve T-shirt ($13—$18)
According to the product description, this shirt comes in a "Great Selection of Colors and Sizes" and is "Great for gift giving for any celebration including holidays and birthdays." Sounds great! BUY IT HERE
For the Runner Dad Who Knows That If You Want to Win, You've Gotta Do What You've Gotta Do
Dynarex Sharps Container ($9)
Dropping used needles in soda cans? Not for your win-at-all-costs guy! Dynarex is the Cadillac of puncture-resistant needle disposal containers, and at 2 gallons this one is big enough to hold an entire season's worth of waste from Dad's "vitamin" injections. BUY IT HERE
For the Gere-Head Runner Dad
4 Film Favorites: Richard Gere (Sommersby, Nights in Rodanthe, American Gigolo, An Officer and a Gentleman ($15)
New Gere is always nice, but old Gere has its appeal too—and this four-in-one collection won't disappoint! BUY IT HERE
For the Runner Dad Who's Actually a Jogger Dad
SMELLEZE Reusable Corpse Smell Removal Deodorizer Pouch ($25)
If you're a jogger, you're gonna discover dead bodies. That's just a fact. But that doesn't mean you should have to smell them. SMELLEZE bills itself as "non-toxic, safe, reusable, recyclable, natural" and the "ideal environmentally friendly solution for eliminating unpleasant decaying corpse odors." This is a real thing, folks. BUY IT HERE
For the Trail Runner Dad
Trail Run Toilet Paper ($14/pair)
Pricey? Perhaps. But when Dad is stuck in the middle of nowhere and needs to go, he'll appreciate Balega's trademark supersoft construction and extra-thick heel. Bonus: Seamless toes mean less abrasion. BUY IT HERE
For the Runner Dad Who Misses the 1980s
Vintage Running Shorts on eBay (price varies)
Running shorts have grown longer over the years, to the point where today's "short" shorts aren't short at all. Not to guys of a certain age, anyway. If your Dad is among them, and you'd like to surprise him with a proper pair of short shorts, head over to eBay. The online auction and shopping website offers plenty of vintage running gear, including shorts. Seen above: Vintage 80's Adidas Originals Sprinter Shorts.
For the Runner Dad Who Loves Laughter and Pie
Dumb Runner Merch (price varies)
Every purchase of Dumb Runner merchandise helps keep us independent and ad-free. Check out the Dumb Runner Store and my new(-ish) shop over at Threadless.com. You'll find everything from signed books to triblend tees to glossy motivational posters. .
A "gift subscription" to Dumb Runner. Pledge here, via Patreon, or make a PayPal donation—and be sure to let us know on whose behalf you're contributing. We'll send them a personal note and some stickers.
Happy Father's Day, everyone.