NEW! Ask an Inept Running Coach

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Hello, readers, and welcome to a new Dumb Runner column: Ask an Inept Running Coach, with Marc Johansson. Marc, a veteran of four marathons, has been giving runners dubious advice since 2016. He has a bachelor’s degree in animal sciences from the University of Colorado and a Twitter account. Have a question for Marc? Submit it here!

Dear Inept Running Coach,
About three months ago I quit smoking, started eating better, and decided to take up running. After finishing my first 5K last week, I’m hooked! Now I want to try a marathon. Any advice?—Darryl D., Sheboygan, Wisconsin

Dear Darryl,
You bet: Go for it, and the sooner the better! You’ll never be as motivated as you are right now.—Marc Johansson, IRC


Dear Inept Running Coach,
I read on the internet that “junk miles” don’t count toward weekly mileage. How do you define junk miles? And do you agree that they shouldn’t count in my training totals?—Joelle S., Houston, Texas

Dear Joelle,
This is a matter of some debate… for other coaches. Not for me, though. Junk miles are just that—junk. (The word junk is right there in the name!) Webster’s defines junk as “old iron, glass, paper, or other waste that may be used again in some form.” Does that sound like the kind of mileage you want? I didn’t think so. In short: Focus on miles that are not junk.—Marc Johansson, IRC

Dear Inept Running Coach,
How fast should I be running?—Antonio B., Thousand Oaks, California

Dear Antonio,
The optimal training pace depends on a number of variables, including age, height, weather, diet, inseam, and something I call The Z Factor, which measures “how bad you want it.” In your case, that looks like this:

Recovery Pace: Slow
Long Run Pace: Moderate
Tempo Pace: Hard
5K Pace: Double Quick
Half-Marathon Pace: Quick
Marathon Pace: Quick But Less So

This assume a Z Factor of 5, by the way. If your true Z Factor is different, try changing it to 5. (For more on The Z Factor, purchase my e-book, “More on The Z Factor”; use promo code FACTOR15 for 15% off.) Good luck.—Marc Johansson, IRC


Dear Inept Running Coach,
Is there room for ice cream in a runner’s diet?—Talia J., Syracuse, New York

Dear Talia,
Conventional wisdom says that there are no “good” or “bad” foods, that a truly healthy diet is all about balance and variety, and that eating can and should be a source of pleasure and even joy. All of which is wrong. If you care about being the FASTEST AND BEST RUNNER POSSIBLE, TO THE STRICT EXCLUSION OF ANYTHING THAT DOES NOT DIRECTLY CONTRIBUTE TO THAT GOAL—which, in my opinion, is a totally healthy mindset—then you must never, ever consume ice cream. Or ketchup, which contains more sugar than you think. Happy running!—Marc Johansson, IRC

Have a question for the Inept Running Coach? Submit it here!