Local Masochist Annoyed That Running Hasn’t Ruined His Knees Yet
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A local masochist who took up running after hearing it would ruin his knees is growing impatient waiting for that to happen, Dumb Runner has learned.
John Mellencamp, 39, said he’s been running five times a week for more than a month and his knees feel fine. In fact, the lifelong lover of pain said, overall he’s never felt better.
“It’s so frustrating,” said Mellencamp. “I was told this would wreck my knees, which presumably would be super painful. I’m a month in, and so far, nothing.”
“I mean, sure, running can be uncomfortable and sometimes I do get bored,” he added. “But pain-wise? Let’s just say that running is about a dozen levels below hot-wax-dripped-on-your-scrotum.”
Mellencamp said he had never been much interested in exercise, but an offhand comment at a recent outdoor barbecue got his attention.
“This woman was talking about a marathon she was training for,” he said. “And some dude remarked that running would ruin her knees.”
“I was like, Hellooo? Running will ruin your knees, eh?”
Soon after, Mellencamp said, he bought a pair of running shoes—“a full size too small,” he noted—and set out for a three-miler. The lack of pain, he recounted, was immediately apparent, even with the tight shoes.
“It was such a letdown,” he said. “I went home and had to cheer myself up with some clamps on my nipples.”
Mellencamp said he’s not ready to give up quite yet, however.
“A buddy of mine just told me about something called ‘speed workouts,’” he said. “The way he described it, those sound promising.”
