EXCLUSIVE: Marathon Investigation Unveils Cyborgs That Will Travel Back in Time, Eliminate Race Cheats Before They’re Born

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Marathon Investigation, the website devoted to rooting out course cutters, bandits, and other road race cheats, has developed a team of cybernetic organisms designed for time travel, Dumb Runner has learned, with the goal of eliminating cheaters before they’re even born, by “eliminating” their parents.

A spokesperson for Marathon Investigation confirmed the news via email late Sunday, writing that the program, code named Project Hasta, began in 2021 and that the technology to bring the project to fruition is “almost there.”

The inspiration for the program, the spokesperson said, came from a certain Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

“We were sitting around one night after work, watching ‘Kindergarten Cop,’ and someone said, ‘This premise is crazy,’” said the spokesperson. “Then someone else said, ‘You know what would be even crazier? Sending cyborgs back in time to assassinate the parents of people who would grow up to cheat in marathons.’”

“After that, we were off and running.”

Time travel may be possible, in theory, experts say—but traveling to the past would be significantly more difficult than going forward in time. Marathon Investigation did not elaborate on that aspect of Project Hasta.

The cyborgs themselves, however, are virtually complete, said the spokesperson, who described them as “autonomous machines with titanium skeletons wrapped in human flesh.”

“You do not want to be, say, a young woman in 1994 and open your front door to one of these bad boys,” the spokesperson said. “Trust me.”

The spokesperson shrugged off questions about the ethics of such a program.

“Hey, if these people in the past didn’t want to be eliminated, then they shouldn’t have been on a trajectory that would have seen them spawning kids who would someday go on to cheat in a race,” they said.

“That’s on them, not on us.”