Ask Dr. Dumb: What's Up With the Chicago Road Runners?

Readers, you do not need us to tell you that it has been an awful, nearly unbearable week. We won’t detail the awfulness here, but we will say that it’s left many of us feeling angry and seeking answers.

Kara Goucher, a two-time Olympic runner with a large Twitter following, was seeking answers Monday when she tweeted, “I don’t let me [sic] son play violent video games. But if those games are to blame for our mass shooting problem, why do they only seem to affect white males? Serious question.”

In response to which, the good folks at the Chicago Road Runners posted this:


Folks, believe me when I say: What. The. Fuck.

Plenty of others had the same reaction. For its part, when the “WTF?” replies came rolling in, the Chicago Road Runners doubled down, telling everyone to “Do your research and wake up!” and (seriously) managing to drag vaccines into it.

The tweets didn’t last long—the group deleted them, then (reportedly) defended their content on Facebook, then deactivated its Twitter account, then reactivated it, then…

Sorry, at this point we’re a little confused. You probably are too. And whoever is behind the Chicago Road Runners Twitter account is definitely confused.

To help clear things up, we contacted our go-to expert on social media and tinfoil headwear, Dr. Dumb.

Dumb Runner: Doctor, thank you for making yourself available.
Dr. Dumb: You’re welcome.

So, with regards to this Chicago Road Runners thing: What the fuck?
The world has gone nuts. That’s the fuck.

What do we know about the Chicago Road Runners?
Not much. They say they’re “a club for runners of all levels” and claim to be members of the Road Runners Club of America. Though some runners, even in Chicago, say they’ve never heard of them. Until now.

Does the group’s Twitter bio mention anything about being run by lunatic conspiracy-minded wack jobs?
It does not.

Then how did the Chicago Road Runners explain these comments?
With this statement:

Is it just us, or has the “we were hacked” thing grown a little tiresome?
Go &%$* your mother.

It has come to my attention that comments were made in my name telling you to go &%$* your mother. This does not represent my views on you, your mother, or &%$*ing. Probably I was hacked.

I hope you’ve taken measures to prevent that happening again.
I have. We’re all set. Let’s continue.

Does the Chicago Road Runners’ website have anything to say on this matter?
I wondered that myself, so I clicked the link in the group’s Twitter bio. And here is where it goes:


So is the Chicago Road Runners being run by a bunch of chickens pecking at keyboards all day, or…?
That is one possibility, and it would explain certain retweets from that account, such as the ones from a dude called Medical Medium, a “speaker and radio show host” who says things like “onions expel pathogens from the liver.”

Another possibility is that, as I suggested earlier, the world has just gone off the rails. Or…

Nah, it’s nothing.

No, please, go ahead.
Well… Remember that message from the Chicago Road Runners? The one addressed “To friends and sympathizers,” which we mentioned earlier? I couldn’t help but notice that the first letter of each line spells “TIARRWATOODT.”

And those letters can be rearranged to spell “Toad Wart Trio.” Think about it.

Doctor, thank you for your time.
You’re welcome. But seriously: Think about it.