Poor Bastard Has No Idea He's Running All Wrong



Local runners say they're taking pity on a man they've spotted running around town in recent weeks, noting that the poor bastard obviously has no clue what he's doing.

"No one's sure who he is," said Alex Rogan, 33, one of a small group of serious runners who have noticed the mystery man. "But, wow... this guy is clearly uninformed." 

"He's a total heel-striker," said Maggie Gordon, 41, another member of the group. "For starters."

"Also, his fists are clenched way too tight," added Jack Blake, 29. "And there's no way his cadence is anywhere near 180."

"More like 118!" said Gordon, to laughter. 

To the untrained eye, the man in question appears loose and comfortable. Indeed, other onlookers who have seen him say he seems "content" and even happy during his sporadic weeknight jaunts.

I’d guess he isn’t even on Strava.

The runners observing him, however, say they see beyond such superficialities and can rattle off any number of missteps, omissions, and blunders. Among them: 

  • An apparent lack of hydration and fuel. "He's never carrying any fuel," said Gordon. "Or hydration. Nada."
  • Cotton socks. "What's he on?" asked Blake. "A suicide mission?"
  • No warmup. "I saw him begin a run once," said Rogan. "I didn't expect him to perform all 5 essential prerun dynamic stretches. But this dude didn't even do static stretches. He just started running. Cold!" 

The trio, who say they are self-taught running experts thanks to social media and running websites, also speculate that the man never foam rolls, seldom if ever strengthens his core, likely needs new running shoes, and, if pressed, couldn't name even one postrun eating mistake that he's probably making, much less all 9 of them.

"I'd guess he isn't even on Strava," Blake said.

The very worst part, all three agreed, was that the man probably thought he was "just fine."

"I guess ignorance really is bliss," said Gordon.

"Sad," added Blake.

The mystery runner was last seen humming to himself as he paused at a water fountain before continuing on his way.

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