"It's Canada Day! It's Canada Day!"
That is what runners all over the world shouted when they awoke this morning, waking their neighbors and causing their sleeping spouses and partners to bolt upright in a panic.
And then they paused.
"But what, as a runner, can I do to honor this special day?" they said, also in a shout for some reason. We respect your desire to mark this federal statutory holiday celebrating the anniversary of the July 1, 1867, enactment of the Constitution Act, 1867 (then called theBritish North America Act, 1867), which united three colonies into a single country called Canada within the British Empire. And we want to help.
Here are seven ways that runners can celebrate Fête du Canada.
1. Cover Your Genitals With Canada's Flag
Go to your local specialty running store and ask to purchase a pair of Canadian flag running shorts, such as the ones pictured above. If the staff isn't sure what you're talking about, explain that the shorts in question will look like the Canadian flag—i.e., a plain white field with a pair of Canadian flag running shorts on it.
Then wear the shorts.
2. Measure Today's Run in Kilometers
It'll sound more impressive, anyway. And remember: Every mile you run brings you 1.6 kilometers closer to your goal.
3. Enjoy a Big Slice of Canada Pie
Canada's "national dessert," Canada Pie is basically just regular pie but with a little Canadian flag toothpick stuck in the middle. Canada Pie is traditionally eaten without hands or utensils, like in a pie eating contest.
4. Wear a Canadian Flag Temporary Tattoo
You know, like the kind you see Canadian runners wearing in American marathons and stuff.
5. Get a Permanent Canadian Flag Tattoo
6. Acquire This Sweatshirt
Because nothing says "Canadian pride" like wearing a sweatshirt showing Justin Trudeau looking dreamy and riding a horse.
7. Contact Your Representatives in Congress and Demand a National Single-Payer Health Care System
Bonus points if you do so while wearing your Justin Trudeau sweatshirt.
Happy birthday, Canada!