Readers, choosing a holiday gift for that special runner in your life can be difficult. Should you get a signed copy of Runners of North America: A Definitive Guide to the Species? Or The Runner's Rule Book? Or C is for Chafing? An hilarious "motivational poster" for just five bucks? A supersoft, made-in-the-USA "Will Run For Pie" T-shirt?
So many excellent options!
If the special runner in your life already has all of those items, however, you could of course turn to Amazon.com. You'll find plenty of great gifts for runners there. You'll also find, as we recently discovered, these—the greatest of the worst.
Marathon Running Nature Scape Themed 10 Piece Birthday Cake Topper, $15
What's that, you say? This cake topper is just too weird and tacky for your tastes? Well, maybe the Marathon Running City Scape Themed 12 Piece Birthday Cake is more your style. See more on Amazon.com.
Snittens, The Original Snot Mittens, $20
That's right—the original. Don't accept cheap knockoffs. "If you are running, hiking, or skiing, or even working or standing in the cold, your eyes start to water and your nose starts to run," reads the product description. "What to do, what to do..." (Snittens! That's what to do.) Made of "a PROPRIETARY MATERIAL," these babies are touted as absorbing "28 times their weight in snot and tears." They are also called "Convenient Absorbent Funny," which coincidentally is also how our fans describe us. See more on Amazon.com.
Studio Pro 1-Inch Running Pliers, $12.50
If you're wondering why runners would need pliers, well... So are we. Maybe they're for black toenails. Anyway, here you are. See more on Amazon.com.
Does Running Out of Fudge* Count as Cardio? Tee, $20
*Only it doesn't say "fudge." It says THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word! Funny shirt, for sure. But honestly—where the f*** are you going to wear it? See more on Amazon.com.
The Runner (DVD), $6.50
Contains little to no actual running. Sad! Also contains Nicolas Cage. Very sad! See more on Amazon.com.
Medal and Bib Display Hanger, $30
Why would anybody want a medal hanger that says YOUR TEXT on it? Dumb. See more on Amazon.com.
LED Lightsaber Umbrella, $25
Okay, fine, this has nothing to do with running. We just found it and couldn't not include it. Mostly because we like to imagine Luke Skywalker standing before Darth Vader while Vader examines Luke's "weapon"...
Vader: "I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are—"
Luke: "It's a lightsaber umbrella."
Vader, opening umbrella: "So it is."
Luke: "Also I didn't construct it. Got it on Amazon."
Vader: "Indeed you are powerful, as the Emperor has foreseen."
Oreo Jogger Pants, $23
You can't really expect any self-respecting runner to wear these. We mean, come on—jogger pants? See more on Amazon.com.
What does this thing even do? See More.
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